Step Three

[Maura Blake]

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him...


Of all the steps, this was the one that took the longest for me to truly understand. My sponsor, C, and I talked for endless hours about the step and all that it encompassed. She promised me that just by being serious about AA, I already made progress with the step. It's all about willingness, she said, a willingness to have faith (whether it's God or nature or something else) and see it cradled by a power greater than ourselves. For the longest time I over-analyzed it; too much emphasis was placed on the Catholic faith and my wavering beliefs. I don't consider myself a Catholic, at least not a practicing one, so I found it a challenge to adhere some basis of faith on something of my own design.

One prayer, however, helps me understand this step more than any other explanation: "God, grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change; courage to change things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done." C made it clear to me that the start of my alcoholism was a blatant waste of my willpower. I chose to drink. I chose to gamble. I chose to gamble with my drinking by getting behind the wheel of a car. Naturally, I'm by no means a victim. But I grasp that I can sometimes feel helpless in my willpower, see cracks in the facade of my determination to stay sober -- but my faith pulls me through it. Not just God -- I'm really not that religious-- but something greater. Nature, the universe. Fate.

I realized a while back that I didn't need to be the Catholic my mom is to have a relationship with God. I accept that I have the willpower to face my demons and have faith that God will be in care of my life. Yes, I still make mistakes. I'm alive... I'm human. Mistakes are all a part of how a person learns and discovers things about themselves and others.

I just need to tread carefully. For some reason, going to places with alcohol and seeing others drink never really disturbed me. I wasn't struck by some incredible sense to take up a bottle of Johnny Walker. It's something of a test of temptation. By going to places I know can test my limits, every time I go without drinking is another notch of victory. It's a terrible risk, I know. And perhaps this is some way that I hedge in overcoming my gambling addiction. C hates that I do this -- she's seen way too many people do the same, thinking they're cured of alcoholism when we'll never be cured. We're recovering. And while it's a big step, a crucial step, the road to recovery is tested and challenged by dozens of unforeseen temptations.

... I believe I met one of the unforeseen.